The assignment is simple. Mrs Soo had told the students to make a list of their greatest fears and then choose one to write about. Still, though, Meiyin finds herself stuck as she stares at her computer screen, the blank document seeming to taunt her. She lets out a huff loud enough for Alice to hear from her side of their student dorm. Alice looks up from her book.
“What’s wrong Mei?”
“This assignment,” Meiyin replies.
“How’s it going?”
In response, Meiyin gestures towards her black document.
“What’s the assignment?”
“Fear,” Meiyin replies. “Well, the theme is fear. I’m trying to write a poem.”
“Is there nothing you’re afraid of?”
“I’m afraid of a lot of things,” Meiyin says, matter-of-factly. “Wasps, airplanes, small spaces. But it’s not like an intense fear. More of like an… annoyance. Nothing worth writing about.”
“I see,” Alice replies. “Meiyin Jiang. Fearless.”
Meiyin lets out a small laugh. “Do you have any fears? Anything… petrifying?”
Alice considers the questions. “I think so. When’s the assignment due?”
“The first draft is due after reading week.”
“Perfect. You have time then. Let me think about it and I’ll send you a list.”
It’s the next morning and Meiyin has already left for class when Alice texts her a list of her fears. Oddly, Meiyin is surprised to find that Alice has fears. It’s not that she thinks Alice is invincible, just that she always seems so… above it all. So confident. It’s something that Meiyin has been in awe of ever since that heated Goodreads debate between the two of them that somehow led to a close friendship.
Regardless, with the list of fears comes a newfound determination in Meiyin. Determination to help her best friend.
On the first day of reading week, Meiyin sits in her car, singing along to the latest Taylor Swift album. Alice looks down at the astronomy textbook placed on her lap, messily jotting equations into a notebook that’s balanced on the dashboard. Meiyin smiles a little as she observes Alice’s lip bite — a sign that Alice is deep in thought. Meiyin feels something familiar growing in her stomach. Butterflies? She pushes the feeling away, snapping her eyes back to the road. Her smile dissipates.
Is this really a good idea? The thought enters Meiyin’s head. It’s a thought she’s had quite a few times ever since receiving the list of fears. Sure she wants to help Alice but… perhaps this is overstepping.
“Mei? Meiyin Jiang?”
Meiyin turns towards her.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Oh um. I was just thinking about how much fun today was going to be.”
“Do you want to tell me where we’re going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
Alice raises an eyebrow, seeming to want to inquire further but she simply says, “Okay,” before turning back to her astronomy notes.
After two more songs, Meiyin takes the exit off of the highway.
Turn left onto Zoo Road, the GPS announces, and your destination is ahead.
Alice’s head snaps up. She looks at Meiyin who can only offer an apologetic smile in return.
“Mei…” Alice says, raising an eyebrow. “Where are we going?”
“The zoo,” Meiyin says. Her voice is quiet, bashful.
“Why?”
“Zoophobia,” Meiyin replies.
“What?”
“The fear of animals.”
“Is this about that list I sent you?” Alice shakes her head, a hint of anger flashing on her face which frightens Meiyin. She’s seen that look on Alice’s face a million times but never directed at her.
“Look Mei,” Alice says. “I appreciate the help. Or whatever it is you’re trying to do. But…” she trails off.
“I get it Alice,” Meiyin replies. “I just… I want to help you get over your fears. It’s reading week and you’ve been studying nonstop all semester… you need a break. And I really need to finish this poem…” she sighs. “I can turn back if you want me to. Just say the word and I’ll turn back and we can never talk about this again.”
Alice glances at Meiyin and then at the Toronto Zoo sign that has come into view. The anger fades from her eyes. “You really think this will help you write your poem?”
Meiyin nods.
Alice lets out a long, exaggerated, sigh. “Okay. Sure. Fine. Let’s do it.”
Meiyin feels her face light up. She pulls into a parking spot. Alice shuts her textbook and her notebook, places them on her seat, and gets out of the car. Before they walk away from the car, Meiyin double-checks to make sure she locked the door.
Meiyin looks at Alice who eyes the entrance, hesitant, watching as a group of kids pass by them, most likely on a school trip, happily chattering amongst themselves as they skip past the entrance. Alice flinches as a tourist passes by, their dog in tow. Meiyin hadn’t thought it would be this bad. She looks back at the car, thinking about aborting, but Alice walks on ahead.
“Mei?” Alice asks, noticing Meiyin trailing behind. “Are you coming?”
“Yes,” Meiyin says, catching up to Alice. They step up towards the ticket booth and Alice asks for two tickets. She reaches for her wallet but Meiyin stops her.
“I got it.” Meiyin pays for both of them. The clerk smiles, handing them their tickets and a map and telling them to have fun. Alice forces a smile in response. As they enter the zoo, Meiyin clears her throat, trying to keep any hint of concern from her voice. “So why exactly are you scared of animals?”
“Animals just hate me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It is!” Alice insists. “When I was five, I was at the park and this dog started chasing me! It did a few laps before I jumped into my dad’s arms. It wouldn’t stop barking at me!”
“Dogs are like that,” Meiyin replies. “I’m sure it just wanted to have fun.”
“It was rabid! And then, when I was ten, I was at my friend’s house. I went to pet her bird and it bit me! I didn’t even know birds could bite!”
At that, Meiyin lets out a bit of a laugh which immediately gets cut off when she sees the genuine fear in Alice’s eyes. “Okay. So that’s why you’re scared of animals. Makes sense.” Meiyin scans the map. “How do you feel about tigers?”
Alice looks at her as if the question is too ridiculous to warrant an answer. “Boars,” is all Alice says, and Meiyin, confused, looks up to see that they’ve made it to the boar enclosure, the sign advertising Red River Hogs.
Hesitantly, Alice looks into the enclosure. “I don’t see anything.”
Meiyin looks at the enclosure as well. Sure enough, it appears empty. “It’s still a little chilly. They’re probably hiding. The zoo has climate-controlled areas for the animals.” She’d been sure to do her research before coming here to ensure that the animals weren’t being mistreated.
A bit of relief flashes on Alice’s face. Suddenly, Meiyin hears a bark and Alice jumps back as a dog — a German shepherd — comes running towards them, dragging along its owner with its leash.
“Lola!” the owner demands. “Sit!”
Alice cowers behind Meiyin as Lola comes to a halt in front of the two of them, wagging her tail as she takes a seat.
“I’m so sorry about her,” the owner says, catching up to his dog. “She’s very excitable.”
“It’s alright,” Meiyin assures him. She kneels in front of Lola, rubbing her back. Lola barks, licking Meiyin’s cheek, causing Meiyin to giggle. A sudden idea flashes in her mind. She looks up at Alice and then back at the owner. “Can my friend pet your dog?” Meiyin asks.
“What?” Alice asks, still trying to keep her distance from the dog.
The man gives them a warm smile, leaning down to pat Lola as well. “Of course. She loves being pet.”
Alice hesitates, eyeing Lola. Lola pays Alice no mind, giving Meiyin another kiss on the cheek. Alice looks at the owner. “Does she bite?”
“Oh no,” the owner says, seeming almost surprised by the suggestion. “She’s the sweetest thing in the world.”
“You’ve got this,” Meiyin assures Alice. Alice takes a shaky breath and then kneels next to Meiyin. She reaches out her hand, pulling it back with a gasp as Lola lets out a bark.
“Hey,” Meiyin says, placing a gentle hand on Alice’s shoulder. The feel of Alice’s skin causes Meiyin’s heart to skip a beat. She ignores it. “You’ve got this,” she repeats.
Alice reaches her hand out again, this time placing it on Lola’s back. Lola leans into Alice’s touch as she runs her hand over her fur. Alice gasps again, pulling her hand away as Lola rolls onto her back. Slowly, Alice pets her stomach and Lola sticks out her tongue as if asking for more.
“Aw,” Alice says, her voice still shaking. Lola gets back to her feet, giving Alice a kiss on the cheek as Alice places her hands on the sides of Lola’s neck, petting under the ears. She lets out a bit of a giggle. Meiyin smiles.
“She likes you,” the owner says.
“Thank you,” Alice says, giving Lola one last scratch under the ear before getting to her feet. Meiyin stands up as well.
“Of course,” the owner replies. “I hope you two have a good day.” With that, he turns and walks off with Lola in tow.
“You did it!” Meiyin calls out, wrapping Alice in her arms. She notes that Alice’s hair smells like lavender. Most likely from her new shampoo.
Alice hugs Meiyin back, causing the butterflies to re-emerge in Meiyin’s stomach. Meiyin pulls away quickly.
“I did it,” Alice says. “Thank you, Mei.”
Meiyin smiles. In the boar enclosure, she notices that a boar has wandered out into view. Meiyin points at it. “Alice. Look.”
Alice follows her gaze and a small smile flicks on her lips. “You know. It’s kind of cute.”
At that, Meiyin beams. She looks at her map. “Come on. Let’s keep going.”
Alice nods. Her breathing is still a little heavy. Meiyin can tell that she’s still a little nervous but regardless, it’s a start.
By closing time, the two of them are exhausted but they both smile from ear to ear. Alice even insists on returning to the boar enclosure before they leave so that she can say goodbye.
The next day, Meiyin is awoken by her phone ringing. She rolls over in bed, rubbing her eyes as she reaches for her phone. She yawns as she picks up.
“Hey Mom,” she says, keeping her voice quiet so that she doesn’t wake Alice.
“Good morning,” her mom replies in Mandarin. “How are you doing?”
It’s hard for Meiyin not to notice the edge in her voice, a sign that she and Dad have been fighting again. Meiyin bites her tongue, holding back the urge to once again say the word divorce. “I’m alright,” she responds in English.
“How’s reading week going? Have you been studying?”
“Yes,” Meiyin says quickly. It’s not exactly a lie. She reasons that their day at the zoo was technically studying for her poem.
“How’s Alice?”
Meiyin looks over at Alice on the other side of the room, the blanket pulled to her chin, snoring softly. Meiyin can’t help but smile. “She’s been good.”
“Good.”
“Why’d you call me?” Meiyin asks, getting to the point.
“Your dad and I were wondering if you wanted to come for lunch this afternoon.”
“I’m busy,” Meiyin says. She’s not in the mood to watch one of them make a scene at the restaurant.
“Right,” her mom says, sounding disappointed. “Are you coming home this weekend?”
“I…” Meiyin hesitates. She sighs. “I’ll think about it. Is that all?”
“I think so.”
“Okay,” Meiyin says. “Bye, mom.”
“Bye Meiyin.”
Meiyin hangs up and lets out a huff. Alice begins to stir, stretching as she sits up. She shuts off the galaxy night light placed on her nightstand. It’s hardly necessary now that the sun has begun to come in through the blinds.
“Good morning,” Alice says.
Meiyin smiles. “Good morning.” She pulls the blanket off of herself and gets to her feet. “Get dressed. I have something fun planned for today.”
“Are we there yet?” Alice asks, looking up from her astronomy notes. “It’s been over an hour.”
“Same answer as the first five times you asked,” Meiyin replies. “No. But we’re getting closer.”
“Boo.”
Meiyin turns down the stereo. “Why don’t you tell me more about this acrophobia of yours?”
“Acrophobia?”
“The fear of heights.”
“Ah. When I was twelve, my mom signed me up for a rock climbing camp. I was climbing the rock wall and at first, it was going great! I made it all the way to the top. And then I looked down.” She shakes her head. “I never want to see the world from that high up again. I froze. It took like ten minutes to convince me to let go of the wall so that they could pull me down.”
“Well, what we’re doing is far less intense than rock climbing. But I do suspect that you’ll be seeing the world from pretty high up.”
Alice doesn’t respond.
“You sure you’ll be okay?” Meiyin asks.
Alice nods. “Yeah. I mean, I overcame my fear of animals, didn’t I?”
“Yeah!” Meiyin beams. “I mean, you’re one of the bravest people I know, Alice.”
A slight blush appears on Alice’s cheeks which causes Meiyin to blush as well. She clears her throat, looking ahead. “We’re here.”
As Meiyin pulls into the parking lot, Alice takes in the sand and the ocean waves in the distance. “Why are we at the beach?”
Alice turns off the engine and gets out of the car. After Alice is out, Meiyin locks the car, once again double-checking it before placing her keys into her purse.
“Have you ever been parasailing?” Meiyin asks.
Alice raises an eyebrow as if the answer should be obvious.
“I haven’t either,” Meiyin admits. “But I hear it’s fun!” She starts to walk towards the beach.
“How much are you paying for this?” Alice asks.
“It’s free. I called in a favor,” Meiyin responds as if that explains everything.
“Mei Mei!” calls out a man. He stands in front of the beach house, wearing a life jacket over a pair of swim shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. He looks about their age, likely a few years older.
“Alice,” Meiyin says, “meet my cousin Joseph.”
“Alice!” Joseph says. “Nice to finally meet you. Meiyin talks about you all the time.”
Meiyin feels her cheeks begin to burn. “I wouldn’t say all the time.”
With a chuckle, Joseph pats her on the head. “All the time,” he repeats.
Alice holds back a laugh before reaching out her hand and shaking his. “Tight grip,” Alice comments when he lets go.
“Sorry,” Joseph replies with an apologetic smile. “So, are you ready to face your fears?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be. What exactly is parasailing?”
Joseph looks out towards the water, pointing at a boat in the distance. Alice looks confused for a moment before a parachute starts to rise from the back of the boat, carrying with it two people. It goes up and up, stopping about five hundred feet into the air.
“Oh,” Alice manages, going pale. It seems the reality of the situation has begun to sink in. “How… lovely.”
“It’s perfectly safe,” Joseph assures her. “And Mei Mei will be with you the whole time. She’s not afraid of heights. Are you?”
Meiyin shrugs, making the so-so gesture with her hand.
“How much experience do you have?” Alice asks.
“Years,” Joseph assures her. “I’ve been doing this since graduating high school.”
“And you’re… how old?” Alice asks.
“Twenty-six,” Joseph says. “I’ll get your life jackets and then walk you through the safety instructions. After that, we can get on the boat.”
As Joseph explains the safety instructions, Meiyin looks at Alice, noting that she looks like she’s about to throw up. Does she get seasick? Should Meiyin have asked? She should have. Is it too late to back out now? She looks at Joseph as he tightens Alice’s life jacket, asking her if it’s too tight. Alice shakes her head.
Meiyin puts on her own life jacket. “Are you okay?” Meiyin asks for what feels like the millionth time. Joseph moves on to tighten Meiyin’s jacket, paying no mind to their conversation.
Alice nods but as she looks out into the water, the parachute still in the air, she sucks in a breath.
“Hey,” Joseph says, giving her a reassuring, older brother-type look. “When you’re up there if you get scared, raise your hand and I’ll pull you down. No questions asked. Does that sound good?”
Alice nods.
Joseph smiles. “Come on. The boat is ready.”
Joseph steps off of the dock and onto the boat. As he helps Meiyin on, the boat sways beneath her feet. Alice takes one step on the boat, cursing and stepping back onto the dock.
“Alice?” Joseph asks.
“Sorry,” Alice says. “Just… the boat. It feels unstable.”
“It’s okay,” Joseph assures her. “Just… hop on. I’ll make sure you don’t fall”
Alice takes his hand again and shuts her eyes as she jumps into the boat, Joseph never letting go of her. She stumbles upon landing and Meiyin reaches forward to steady her. Alice lets out a breath. Relieved? Nervous? Meiyin can’t tell.
“Sit down,” Joseph says, getting into the driver’s seat. “I’m going to start the engine.”
Alice and Meiyin do as they’re told. The boat speeds up. Alice looks over the edge of the boat, looking down at the water. Meiyin follows her gaze, setting her eyes on their reflections. She doesn’t say anything, observing Alice’s face in the waves; the reflection of her hair as it blows in the wind, the slight furrow of her eyebrows, her pursed lips…
Meiyin turns away from the water, looking over at the parachute that lies deflated on the boat floor. From the driver’s seat, Joseph turns off the engine. “Alright. Let’s get you two ready.”
Meiyin looks over at Alice who manages a nervous nod. Joseph kneels by the parachute, explaining to them how it works before strapping the two of them in a seated position. As Joseph walks back to the driver’s seat to start the engine once again, Alice has her eyes shut tight.
“You can do this,” Meiyin whispers. “Take my hand.”
Alice opens her eyes. She takes Meiyin’s hand, a shiver coursing through Meiyin’s body as their fingers intertwine.
“Ready?” Joseph asks.
Alice nods and Meiyin calls out, “Ready!”
Alice shuts her eyes once again as Joseph powers the engine on. Quickly, the boat gains speed. Faster. Faster…
Meiyin feels a pull from the straps of the parachute as it begins to ascend, bringing along with it the two of them.
“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod-” Alice cries through shallow breaths, her palms clamming with sweat. Once it looks like the parachute has reached its highest point, Meiyin looks down, observing the water below, the two of them a mere shadow in the field of blue. The people running around on the sand are mere dots; the town and the trees and islands all look so small.
“Alice,” Meiyin says, her voice soft. “Open your eyes.”
Hesitant, Alice does as she’s told. She takes a moment to register the water below then fixes her eyes on Meiyin, letting out a nervous laugh. “We’re so high.”
“You did it! How do you feel?”
“Sick,” Alice admits. “Like I want to get down immediately.”
“Do you want me to tell Joseph to bring us down?”
“Hm,” Alice says, considering the question. “In a bit. Maybe. I have to admit, the view is pretty nice up here.”
“Yeah,” Meiyin agrees. Alice leans into Meiyin, resting her head on Meiyin’s shoulder. Meiyin leans in too, trying to ignore the way her heart pounds in her chest. Trying to ignore the way that she can smell Alice’s shampoo again as Alice’s hair brushes gently against Meiyin’s neck.
Meiyin is painfully aware of the fact that the two of them are still holding hands.
Reading week is coming to a close as Meiyin picks up Alice from Alice’s family home in the suburbs. As Alice gets into Meiyin’s car, she notices what looks like a plastic bag filled with Tupperware in her hands.
“What’s that?” Meiyin asks.
“Food,” Alice replies. “My dad made it. We can share it later for dinner.”
“I’d love to,” Meiyin beams. She’s always loved Alice’s dad’s cooking. Even before he started working at a restaurant.
“Hi, Meiyin!” Alice’s mom calls from the porch.
“Hey Mrs Wang!” Meiyin calls out, sticking her head out the window to wave. As Mrs Wang heads back into the house, Mr Wang gives her a kiss on the forehead before shutting the front door. Meiyin can’t help but feel a pang of bitterness at the display of affection. When was the last time Meiyin’s parents had shown any affection towards the other? Have they ever? She tears her eyes away from the house, turning on the car engine.
“How do you feel about getting a tattoo?” Meiyin asks before they’ve even pulled out of the driveway.
“What?” Alice asks.
“Jane Nguyen,” Meiyin replies. “From my creative writing class. Her mom is a tattoo artist.”
“Why tattoos?”
“Aichmophobia. The fear of needles.”
“You know that tattoos are… permanent. Right?”
“I think the best decisions are the impulsive ones.”
Alice lets out a long sigh, seeming to ponder the request. “What would I get a tattoo of?”
“I don’t know. That’s up to you.”
“How about this,” Alice says. “I’ll get a tattoo if you do too.”
Meiyin bites her bottom lip, thinking about it. “Okay. Yeah. Let’s go get tattoos.”
“That’s my girl!” Alice beams.
My girl. The words linger in Meiyin’s head. She tries to push them away. It doesn’t work.
After a quick detour to drop Alice’s Tupperware containers in their mini fridge, Meiyin drives Alice to an old-looking building, not far from the heart of downtown Toronto. The tattoo parlour is up a narrow step of stairs. Meiyin reaches for the door, opens it, and walks inside to find an open room, a long desk laid out near the front with a few tattoo chairs laid out near the back. A woman stands by the desk, her off-the-shoulder shirt revealing a row of tattoos along her collarbones.
“How can I help you today?” she asks. Her voice is low and raspy. Meiyin finds it soothing.
“Mrs Nguyen?” Meiyin asks. “I’m Meiyin. I think your daughter told you about me?”
“Right!” Mrs Nguyen says. “You’re the girl in her creative writing class.” She looks at Alice. “Is this the girlfriend she was talking about?”
Meiyin’s cheeks heat up and she glances over at Alice who appears to be blushing a little as well.
“Um,” Meiyin manages. “We’re just friends.” Still, though, the word has already seeped into Meiyin’s head. Girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Alice agrees. “Just friends.”
Mrs Nguyen raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Well. Either way. What tattoo were you thinking of getting today?” Mrs Nguyen looks at Alice.
“Actually,” Alice replies. “We were both thinking of getting tattoos. If that’s okay.”
Mrs Nguyen shrugs. “The more the merrier. Did you two have anything in mind?”
“Not really,” Alice says. “This was a bit of an… impulsive decision.”
Mrs Nguyen reaches towards the side of the front desk, pushing a big binder towards Meiyin and Alice. “You can take a look through this. See if there’s anything that draws your eye.”
Alice reaches for the book, opening it to find pages of potential tattoo designs; silhouettes of roses, butterflies, skulls, and geometric shapes.
“Anything you like?” Meiyin asks.
“Hm. I’ve always liked the look of watercolor tattoos.” She looks at Mrs Nguyen. “Do you have any of those?”
Mrs Nguyen takes the binder, flipping through the pages until she lands on a page of colorful tattoos. She slides the binder back over to Meiyin and Alice.
Meiyin takes a glance over the page, about to flip to the next page when Alice says, “Wait.”
Alice points towards one of the designs — black lines outlining a semi-realistic-looking brown boar, a patch of green grass, and beneath its feet, splashes of pink and blue emitting from behind the animal. “Like the boars at the zoo,” Alice says.
Meiyin smiles at the memory, finding herself blushing once again. Alice wants a tattoo that reminds her of me.
“It’s perfect,” Alice says.
“Yeah,” Meiyin agrees, her voice barely coming out as a whisper.
“The same tattoo for both of you then?” Mrs Nguyen asks.
“Um,” Meiyin says. She looks at Alice who’s still looking at the tattoo design. “I can find something else. If you like that one.”
“No,” Alice says. “You should get it too. If you also like it.”
“But then we’d have the same tattoo.” Meiyin’s heart skips a beat at the thought.
“Would that really be such a bad thing?” Alice is looking at Meiyin now, her expression hard to read. When Meiyin doesn’t respond, Alice adds, “it’s up to you, Mei. I’m okay with anything.”
Meiyin glances back at the boar design. What if they stop being friends one day? And this tattoo becomes a constant reminder of the loss? What would Meiyin do then? I’m going to get something else, Meiyin thinks but the words never reach her mouth.
Doesn’t it get tiring? She asks herself. Always living life with one foot out the door? Always ready for things to fall apart? It’s a thought that plagues her on her most sleepless nights. She’s always been good at suppressing it. But right now… she looks at Alice and then at Mrs Nguyen. “Okay,” she says before she can second guess herself. “I’ll get the same tattoo.”
“Two boar tattoos then please,” says Alice.
“Where do you want it?” Mrs Nguyen asks.
“Oh,” Meiyin says, having not considered that. “Wrist? I guess?”
“And you?” Mrs Nguyen turns to Alice.
“I’ll do wrist too,” Alice says. Meiyin’s heart skips another beat. Matching tattoos. On the wrist. Both of them.
“Alright. Who’s going first?” Mrs Nguyen asks.
Meiyin and Alice exchange a glance. Meiyin tries to read Alice, looking for signs of nerves: sweaty palms, and shallow breaths. But Meiyin can’t seem to read her. Perhaps it’s because Meiyin herself is too distracted by the pit growing in her own stomach. What is she thinking? Matching tattoos?
“Meiyin?” Alice asks with a bit of concern in her voice.
“Hm?” Meiyin asks, coming back to her senses. “Right. Um. I’ll go first,” she says before she can think better of it. Or perhaps before she can back out. Get a different tattoo.
“Give me a few minutes to get everything ready.” Mrs Nguyen walks towards one of the tattoo chairs at the back of the room. Alice looks over at Meiyin, her brows furrowed with concern.
“Mei? You okay?”
“Yeah,” Meiyin says. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because somehow, you look even more nervous than me.” Alice wipes her palms on her jean shorts. Perhaps they are a little sweaty after all.
“Just…” Meiyin scrambles for something to say. “Scared it’ll hurt.”
“I’m sure it won’t hurt that much,” Alice assures her. “I mean. So many people get tattoos. Why would they do that if the pain was unbearable?”
Meiyin reasons that Alice is probably right. But it’s not actually the pain that Meiyin is afraid of, is it? She lets out a nervous laugh. “Shouldn’t I be the one reassuring you right now?”
“Maybe you’re also scared of needles. Hey, you can write your poem on that.”
“Oh needles,” Meiyin says, tone dripping with sarcasm, “with your pointy silver tips, dotted with red. Oh, needles how you frighten me so.” She laughs and Alice laughs as well. “I’m sure Professor Soo will give me an A.” Despite her sarcasm, Meiyin does take a look around the tattoo studio, taking in the white brick texture of the walls, and the red and black pattern on the carpet. Maybe Alice is on to something after all.
Mrs Nguyen returns to the desk. She sets her eyes on Meiyin. “Alright. Follow me.”
Meiyin tries to move her feet forward towards the tattoo chair. She seems to be frozen in place. “How long will this take?”
“About an hour each,” Mrs Nguyen says.
“Mei?” Alice asks, her concern seeming to grow. “Do you want me to go first?”
“Um,” Meiyin replies, hesitant. “Yes. Please. If that’s okay.”
Mrs Nguyen shrugs as if saying, it’s all the same to me. She turns to Alice, gesturing for her to follow. Alice complies, Meiyin trailing close behind. Alice takes a seat on the chair, placing her forearm onto the armrest with her wrist facing upwards.
“This is a stencil,” Mrs Nguyen says as she presses a white sheet onto Alice’s wrist before pulling it off, leaving the outline of a boar on her skin. She reaches for the tattoo gun and Alice flinches. It seems like the nerves have finally kicked in.
“Hold still,” Mrs Nguyen says and Alice complies, balling her other hand into a tight fist, knuckles turning white.
“Mei?” Alice asks. “Can you hold my hand?”
Meiyin nods and takes Alice’s hand. “Are you okay?”
Alice nods.
“Just… keep your eyes on me.”
“Okay.”
Mrs Nguyen places the tattoo gun onto Alice’s wrist and Alice sucks in a breath, her grip around Meiyin’s hand tightening. She shuts her eyes, holding her breath until she can’t anymore.
“Deep breaths,” Mrs Nguyen says. “You’re doing great.”
Alice opens her eyes, fixing her gaze onto Meiyin’s face. Meiyin doesn’t meet her eyes, focusing her attention on the tattoo gun as Mrs Nguyen traces the outline of the stencil.
“Does it hurt?” Meiyin asks.
“Yeah,” Alice says through clenched teeth. “Like someone is carving into my skin. But I’ll get through it. Just don’t let go of my hand.”
Meiyin doesn’t. She loses track of time, oddly mesmerized by the way that Mrs Nguyen draws on Alice’s wrist, never once breaking focus, the purple outlines of the stencil turning black as the tattoo gun whirs over them. Meiyin loses track of time before Mrs Nguyen pulls the gun away.
“I’m done with the outline,” she says. “The color should hurt less. You’re doing great.”
Alice nods, still short on breath but having calmed down at some point during the procedure. Mrs Nguyen gets to work with the color. After a bit she pulls the gun back, announcing that she’s finished.
Alice lets out a long breath of relief and glances at her wrist. She smiles. “It’s so pretty. I love it. Thank you.”
“Of course,” Mrs Nguyen replies.
Meiyin takes a look at the fresh tattoo. The careful outline, the bright colors. She can’t help but smile as well. Mrs Nguyen wraps up the tattoo, giving Alice a list of healing instructions before Alice gets up from the chair.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Meiyin asks.
“It was pretty bad,” Alice admits. “But she was right. The color does hurt less than the outline. You’ll be okay.”
Meiyin nods. She glances back down at Alice’s wrapped-up wrist and her nerves dissipate a little. She takes a seat on the tattoo chair, placing her wrist onto the armrest as Mrs Nguyen places the stencil onto her skin.
“Ready?” Mrs Nguyen asks.
“Yes,” Meiyin replies. Alice takes her unoccupied hand and Meiyin shuts her eyes as Mrs Nguyen gets to work. She feels a sharp pain as the needle pierces her skin. Like Alice said: someone carving into my skin. She isn’t sure how long she sits before she opens her eyes again, meeting Alice’s. The urge to look away is strong — she’s never liked direct eye contact. But she forces herself to keep her eyes on Alice, taking in Alice’s dark brown eyes, and her long lashes. The few spots of acne on her cheeks and forehead were concealed by a thin layer of makeup. The red paint on her lips.
Mrs Nguyen pulls the tattoo gun away. “I’m done with the outline.”
Meiyin snaps back to her senses, looking down at her wrist. Sure enough, the outline is done.
“You did it, Mei,” Alice says. “The hardest part is done.”
Meiyin nods, not meeting Alice’s eyes this time. She looks down at her wrist as Mrs Nguyen adds in the color. The pain goes from a sharp stab to a dull ache. Once Mrs Nguyen is done with the finishing touches, she pulls away the tattoo gun and wraps up Meiyin’s wrist, repeating the aftercare instructions. Meiyin gets out of the chair and follows Mrs Nguyen to the front desk where they pay.
“Thank you again,” Meiyin says.
“No problem,” Mrs Nguyen says. Alice and Meiyin walk out of the tattoo studio and down the stairs.
“You know,” Meiyin says. “You didn’t seem all that nervous.”
“Yeah,” Alice agrees. “I think I’m more scared of injections, honestly.”
“How about next winter, we both get flu shots together.”
Alice laughs. “It’s a deal.”
It’s a deal, Meiyin echoes. Maybe that’s what these tattoos are: a promise that they’ll still be in each other’s lives next year. And then the year after. And then the year after.
The sun has already gone down by the time Meiyin returns from campus, having gone there for a study session with a few classmates. As she scans her key card to get into her building, she catches sight of the tattoo, the wrapping freshly replaced this morning. She smiles to herself as she boards the elevator and walks towards her dorm.
Alice is sitting at her desk, her textbook laid out in front of her. She looks up as Meiyin walks in, locking the door and then double-checking that it’s locked.
“Hey Mei,” Alice says. “How was the study sesh?”
“Good,” Meiyin replies. “A little worried about the midterm though. But I still have time. How’s your studying?”
“My eyes are glazing over,” Alice says. “Whenever I close my eyes, all I see are Hubble’s Law and blackbody radiation graphs.”
“Do you want to take a break?” Meiyin asks.
“That would be nice,” Alice admits. She shuts her astronomy textbook. “What do you want to do? Watch a movie?”
“Actually. I’m going to turn off the lights.”
“Why?”
“Achluophobia,” Meiyin says. “The fear of the dark.”
“Right,” Alice says, her voice dropping to a whisper. “My last fear.”
Meiyin nods. She walks towards the blinds, shutting them, before reaching for the light switch and plunging the room into darkness. She takes a seat on her bed, blinking but unable to see anything. It’s weird seeing the room this dark, she thinks to herself. She’d gotten used to Alice’s night light.
Alice hasn’t moved from her chair. “Mei?” Her voice pierces through the darkness. “Where are you?”
“I’m here. On my bed.”
“Can I sit with you?” Her voice is still quiet.
“Of course.” Meiyin hears the sound of shuffling as Alice manages to navigate her way to Meiyin’s bed in the dark. She takes a seat next to Meiyin before laying down on her back, her feet still dangling off the edge of the bed. Meiyin lies down as well, looking up at the roof.
“I wasn’t expecting you to be scared of the dark,” Meiyin says. “Since you’re studying astronomy. I would have thought you’d like the night sky.”
“The night sky is different,” Alice says. “It’s more pitch darkness that I’m afraid of.”
“Why are you scared?”
“I’m not sure scared is the right word,” Alice admits. “When I was a kid, we used to visit my cousin’s house every few years. In China. I didn’t see them much, my cousins, but whenever I went there, we would play into the late hours of the night. My aunt… she was kind of like a second mother to me. And they didn’t have a nightlight there, at their house. So my aunt always held me until I fell asleep. I felt… safe.”
“She sounds amazing.”
“She was. She died when I was twelve. Heart attack.”
“Oh. Alice…” Meiyin trails off, unsure of what to say.
“Ever since then, I haven’t been able to sleep in the dark. Because all I can think about is her. And the fact that she’s not here to hold me anymore.”
“Do you want me to turn on the light?” Meiyin asks, already getting up.
“No,” Alice says. “I just… want to lay here. With you. For a little bit.”
“Okay,” Meiyin says, her voice gentle. She lays back down. In the darkness, her hand meets Alice’s.
“Is it weird that I’m kind of sad this is the last fear on the list? I mean, this has been a terrifying week. But it was nice. Being with you. I guess… I feel safe with you.”
“I feel safe with you too,” Meiyin says.
“Did you figure out what fear to write about?” Alice asks. “For your project?”
“I…” Meiyin hesitates. “I did. I think.”
“Which one?”
“Philophobia,” Meiyin says quietly. “The fear of falling in love.”
Next to her, Meiyin can hear Alice turn her head. “What do you mean?”
A heartbeat. Then two. “I think I fell in love with you. A little bit. Since we met. You don’t have to say anything back. I just… wanted you to know.”
Silence. Deafening silence. Meiyin feels her heart pounding in her chest. This is it, she thinks to herself, the moment it all falls apart. The moment Alice leaves. She braces herself but when Alice speaks, all she says is, “me too.”
Meiyin lets out a shaky breath. “Really?”
“Yes. I mean. I think I’ve been in love with you since that first day we met, really. But… you always said you didn’t do romance so I never wanted to make my feelings your problem. Besides, It was always better to have you in my life as a friend than not in my life at all.”
I don’t do romance, Meiyin can hear her own voice in her head. It’s true. That’s something she’s been saying ever since she reached her teenage years and all her friends started to fall in love. Then out of it. All in the blink of an eye. “I guess… my parents,” Meiyin explains. “Watching their relationship fall apart. Being in the crossfire. It’s always been better for me to just… keep my distance. From everyone. I’ve always been ready to leave at the first sign of trouble.”
“That sounds… lonely.”
“It is,” Meiyin admits. “But I guess, with you, I’m okay with letting my guard down.”
Alice’s hand closes around Meiyin’s. “Mei, I won’t leave. Ever. You have my word. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”
Meiyin lets out a little laugh. “I can think of worse fates.” She tightens her grip on Alice’s hand.
“You know…” Alice says. “This isn’t so bad. The darkness. I think my eyes have started to adjust.”
Meiyin looks around the room, now able to pinpoint the outline of objects scattered around. Both of their desks are against the wall on either side of their room, and the TV is placed between them. She turns back to Alice, their eyes meeting in the dark.
“Yeah,” she whispers. “Mine too.”
